I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
