She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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