The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
