I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Randomize
