I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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