Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
