in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
