did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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