You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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