I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
