the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
