he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
