Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
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I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
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I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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