He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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