I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i will never coherently bang her
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
