I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
