U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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