Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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