I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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