Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
