Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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