the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
