Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
