There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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