i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I would ride that face into the sunset
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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