Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
