that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
