Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
