I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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