everyone is single if you try hard enough
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I have fence marks all over my body
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
