Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
it glows. i had to have it.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
