I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
