I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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