I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
