also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
