I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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