FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
