Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
The uberlube is also flammable
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
