somebody snuck up and got me drunk
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So much Jack, so little girl.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
