went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
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I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
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yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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