Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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