1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
