I feel like I'm in dance class right now
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
