I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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