a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
