this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
