I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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