perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
