So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
