Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
