Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
