I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
