Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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