My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
