I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
